The Grandparents Chronicles 3: Cup Capacity

Not since the Mad Hatter was a cup obsession so annoying. At least he confined his penchant for indulgence to tea cups and pots. With the grands, no kind of flatware are discriminated against; all are welcome at their table.

This is a couple who can boast never having to eat or drink from the same vessel twice. Not only do we have four or more different sets of dishes, six separate racks of tea cups, eight kinds of tall drinking tumblers and oddball glasses of all kinds,  we have a serving dish for every one of Betty Crocker's bowel movements.

And who the heck has chargers these days? Are we King Herod? My grandma has enough metal chargers to serve up the heads of the entire canon of holy saints. Every time I turned around I discovered more, even as the mind could not fathom. I literally opened the cabinet above the fridge thinking, "This has to be empty; there's no way they can reach it... Aaaahh! Cups! And more cups!"

Want to blow your mind? Forget tripping out on how many stars there are in the universe or sands on the sea shore, try to comprehend how many cups are in my grandma's cupboard. You'll die trying.

The Grandparents Chronicles 2: Charity Despair-ity

One of the first steps to cleaning out my hoarder grandparents' kitchen is to throw away the three hundred thousand mailers from charities asking them for money. My grandparents don't have one cent that isn't spoken for three times over already, so it makes me really grumpy to see them constantly set upon with pictures of children with clubbed feet and hair lips along with pleas to relieve their suffering, basically using their own sympathy to extort them.

The same applies to the myriad Catholic orders who do the same, only making a weapon of their faith. I want to tell them to please stop sending my grandparents requests for money they can't afford to do without. 

I consider the various marketing techniques employed, many very effective: free gifts, offers for prayers and masses to be said in your honor and cheap religious jewelry and paraphernalia. Bribery and guilt are especially effective. "Here are some Christmas cards, but you'll feel bad sending them without giving us your money first!" This one says don't open this candle; mail it back to us with your donation and we'll light it for you with prayers. Well, why did you go to the trouble of mailing it to us if you just wanted it mailed back to you? Oh yeah! Because having us hold the candle in our hands is a more effective marketing ploy than just telling us about the candle. I had hoped that a two thousand year old church would operate with more dignity than a paperback book club. Tell ya what: I'm just gonna burn it... in a satanic ritual. How you like that?

You know, Satan may have tempted Eve, talked Pilate into crucifying Jesus and caused a ruckus in heaven, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't manipulate the widow's mite from my grandmother's feeble, impoverished hands. Even he has standards.

[Somewhere the devil is looking at these saintly envelope stuffers and shaking his head, "That's low, bro"].

The Grandparents Chronicles 1: Life in the Slow Lane

If you've never had children to look after in the supermarket, then you're not prepared to have grandparents. Give them motorized scooters and they can go anywhere, and not together, I might add. I swear these things have a hyperdrive switch on them somewhere, because just when I think she is slowly following as I go looking for him, poof! She's gone too! And as soon as they're out of sight, ENGAGE THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK! Today's lesson, if anything, is that I could never operate an air control tower.

A Very Brief and incomplete travel guide to Oahu, Hawaii

If you like animals, the Kahala resort in Hawaii Kai has dolphins in the back area. Just Park at the Wai Alae beach park on Kahala Ave (the resort is at the end of the street) and walk down the beach to the resort. They have dolphins and a sting ray, and a nice beach area to swim in.

Also, the Sheraton in Waikiki has a nice pool and hot tub. Enjoyed that many times and only got kicked out a few :)

The Hilton Hawaiian Village is on the corner of Ena and Ala Moana. They have many shops that you can walk around and visit and they have an area with penguins that you can stop and take pictures. There are also turtles in the pond with the penguins and you can reach down and pick some of them up. They will swim to you if you put your hands in the water. They love people!

Nearby on the corner of Kapiolani and Kaheka is one of my favorite restaurants, Shokudo Japanese restaurant. It's amazing. They have sushi pizza and a dish that looked like ginger shavings that moved by itself. Whatever it was, it was delicious!

While you are there, you should check out the Ala Moana shopping mall and get a smoothie at Shirokiya on the third floor by Macy's. They also have some find desserts and other food from Japan, and a departments store full of Japanese "as seen on tv" products.

Nearby in the mall, is Panya, another fantastic restaurant, that has a wonderful assortment of baked goods, as well as a full bar, Asian fusion menu and borsch, of all randomness. View their menu at http://panyagroup.com/default.asp

Genki Sushi, which I think of as the McDonald's of sushi, is located next door to Panya in the mall and has other locations on the island as well. It is an interesting experience for first timers, as you can sit at a table and snatch desired sushi plates as they make their way around the room on a conveyor belt. Not the best sushi, but fun, nonetheless.

For very delicious sushi, you can't do better than Sansei Sushi, located in the Marriot in Waikiki. On Sundays, they have sushi half off, which is well worth standing in line for (and you will). Call ahead to check times so you don't miss it.

Coffee or Tea? is the best coffee shop on the island by far and the only place to go for authentic bubble tea. It is located in McCully Shopping Center at Kapiolani and McCully. They also have chocolate milk with pearls or a delicious avacado smoothie with pearls if you are caffeine sensitive.

Not if, but when you go to the North Shore, stop and have shrimp at one of the shrimp trucks, such as Mackey's. If you take the H1 to the west side where it ends and travel up Farrington Hwy you can find the mostly deserted "Pray for Sex" (Makua) Beach, one of the places you can get away with some nude sunbathing and go rock diving. Or you can mix it up and have nude rock diving.

Find time on the way North to go to Lanikea Beach to see the sea turtles sunbathing on the shore. The biologists policing the beach will tell you not to get too close, but if they are not there, be warned there is a mortgage-sized fine for touching them.

Or go East through Hawaii Kai to Haunauma Bay to snorkle with the fish and sea turtles, and further on to visit Sea Life Park, the Sea World of Hawaii. Bring lots of cash, or just walk in (sometimes they don't notice) and tape a paper strip around your wrist as a white park wristband (worked for me).

On Saturdays and Sundays the Aloha stadium turns into a flea market and it's great for touristy shopping, but get there early. If you can't make there, head to the International Marketplace in the middle of Waikiki for some of the same trinkets, and have Dole Whip ice cream while you're there, and perhaps catch a hula show.

In the evenings from about 6-9pm, there are many street performers lining the sidewalks of Waikiki, from comedians to singers, artists, magicians and moving statues. Brings some tip money or just stand a ways back and wait for someone else to tip.

Chinatown is another place to buy unique, inexpensive gifts to take home, and also a great place to buy vegetables, or just take in some local scenery. If you're not used to Chinese markets, this will be an adventure. There are also many good places to eat there, both for authentic Chinese vendors and a variety of restaurants. Epic is my favorit Downtown restaurant. View their menu at http://www.restaurantepichawaii.com/. Try the butterfish and the sea weed salad. It is to die for!

A short trip up the Pali highway, stopping at the Pali Scenic Lookout, is the beautiful Kailua Beach, which is far less touristy, and much more peaceful than Waikiki. From here, you are not too far from the Ho'omaluhia Botanical Garden, a great place to see some of Hawaii's native flora and picnic by the water midst the backdrop of Oahu's green mountains.

If you have the money to spend on a theme park, you can travel back in time at the Polynesian Cultural Center to get a taste of the various tribal cultures of the south Pacific, and stay for the native theatrical dance performance in the evening.

The Dole Plantation is another unique attraction, which offers a pineapple shaped garden maze and a guided train ride tour of the plantation.

There are so many things to do and see in Oahu, and no way to fit it all in. I could go on and on, but this should get you started and give you a few ideas. Perhaps I will add more at another time. Aloha!

My hatchback injury May 21, 2007

May 21, 2007 Current mood:crushed

I feel like Frodo of the nine fingers as I try to use the computer with my index bandaged. It took some getting used to in order to type.

It all started when... and I knew I shoulda stayed home. But I wound up in the parking lot, heading out, when I became totally enamoured and distracted by Angelica's beauty. Yes, women often will bring about a man's destruction. But I can't point the finger at her, or the maniac with the vicious automobile.

I decided to casually lay my hand on the car, not realizing that it was in the way of the hatch back. I had just met this guy named Nathan, who at first seemed like a decent human being, yet there was something strange about him that I just couldn't put my finger on. Little did I know that all along he had it in for my right pointer, and something about me going through life with it intact just gnawed at him inside. So hiding behind his raised hatchback, he pretended to go through the trunk, and as soon as I let my guard down and he found me at my weakest, SLAM!!!

You guessed it! I immediately knew that something wasn't right. As a matter of fact, something still tells me it wasn't right. As I counted my precious digits like little chicks of a mother hen, I realized to my dismay that one was shorter than all the rest, as if nipped by a hungry fox. As my eyes focused I realized that the tip of my right forefinger had ducked out of sight beneath the wicked hatch, and there I was, like a trapped animal.

All this so far is just to soften the blow, which courtesy went unafforded to me. I ever so gracefully requested that the gentleman be so kind as to unlock his trunk. As he fumbled with his keys to the near screams of Angelica, I quietly pondered the efficacy of getting upset over the loss of my finger to the first joint, which I then considered about as much a part of history as the writing of the ten commandments.

I might have pondered a moment on the regret of us being separated, my finger and I, as we were joined in a knuckle I thought would never be broken. I might have remembered the good old times of pointing and laughing at people, those intimate moments of nostril penetration, and how often he'd scratched my back for which I'd desired that I could someday return the favor. In only a moment it all seemed eternally too late.

As the trunk popped, I retracted the bloody and beaten member, thinking that it resembled a squashed bug, dangling from my hand. Angelica also thought he was a goner, as a matter of fact, I think for a while she was a goner. She seemed to have plain lost it, and I was trying not to. At some point I blacked out and fell to my knees. As I began to reawaken I was at once regretful of doing so, as I had begun to dream of a peaceful place that didn't involve the crushed dreams of innocent fingertips, a lifeline cut short in its prime by tragedy.

Being helped again to my feet, a kind soul proffered me a joint to replace the one I'd lost, or at least to ease the pain of it. I didn't have time to smoke it though before being dragged by my pall bearers to the car and to what respite of peace my home afforded.

It was soon cleaned and dressed with the most loving care that my mourners could offer. I do not know how it remained intact, other than that it must be a gift from the gods, to descend into hades and yet rise again, being prescribed the antibiotic ambrosia of life and the lotus of Vicodin.

So for two days, I have been floating and forgetting all about my finger. The doctor seemed appalled by it as she cleaned it and gave me the narcotic goodness saying, "Don't tell your friends that you have this or they will want to take it." I told her they can smash their own finger.

And that is more than less of the tale, so send me lots of sympathy. I'm going to step out of my head again, but when I get back I'll be sure to get the message. And don't worry too much; my finger is just cracked... like me.

Sweet dreams,
Christopher